how to be better at socializing

my selfish tactic for interacting with strangers at parties. something I know I am good at and prevents them from asking me questions about who I am.

I am 26

Occasionally I will find it within me to stand my ground in the same stubborn way I would have when I was 16

As desperate as I was then to be something or someone, to figure out or determine my identity, as if it was something black and white, as if there was an end product that could be shaped, molded, packaged and sold to everyone around me

Just as desperate as I was for connection I was desperate to have a meaningful identity,

in trying so hard to find one I failed to realize that I knew exactly who I was

and that in every conversation, every conviction, every piece of myself I shared with others I was most myself when I wasn’t trying to put on a show or present a perfectly curated product

there is beauty in not changing for the world around you

and in being so young with a naivety that doesn’t even stop to question or think that you could or maybe should change, mold, adjust to make sense in certain situations

I meet so many 20 somethings that think the best versions of themselves are the ones they’ve curated to be presentable and pristine

They make me question who I am and what I’m interested in

they intrigue me with their quick answers to any of my prodding inquiries

Is it odd that the only way I find myself succeeding in social settings is by turning on journalist mode and fully interviewing someone with a tequila based drink in my hand?

That I ask questions to prevent them from holding a mirror up to my face that reminds me that I don’t know how to package myself for presentation anymore

and that I can’t answer simple questions about my favorite this or favorite that

In this mess lies greatness and raw truth

I long for less curation

Less perfection

Less obsession with a right or wrong way of existing

Then again I think,

Hard to know who you are when you only ever see yourself through filtered selfies and photos that disappear from your memory the second they’re snapped but take up storage space on your phone until it’s time to replace with a new one

I feel like throwing up in the Hudson

I wish I could let go of everything that’s ever hurt me in one go

Instead I keep walking

In search of somewhere I won’t feel out of place

where I ask provoking questions at strangers and my near interviews make them feel seen and heard and help me to feel like I contribute something to this world and prevent me from spiraling into the belief that all I am is just a stupid girl

they say you become what your brain tells you to be

if that is true than it is no surprise that I am rotten

inside and out